In Which I Offer My Services as Speaker of the House

The following was posted directly on Ricochet earlier this morning:

Of course, I cannot fully clear my schedule until sometime around May 1 so I will have to treat this as a part time gig until then. But, since I will not be nearly as focused as the last Speaker on coordinating a very lucrative insider trading scam through my spouse’s accounts and being drunk, it should come out about a wash. (Not that I don’t want to be a slobbering drunk like that…if memory serves, it was quite fun back in my twenties…but doctor’s orders are doctor’s orders.)

A few stipulations: I will do no fundraising. I will not visit this White House. (In fact, I will never be in the same room with this president or anyone from his family, in his cabinet, or on his staff. I will insist on a “Bozo the Clown” from the union…preferably sufficiently drunk in order to properly mock the performances of the last Speaker…to occupy my seat during any State of the Union speech that occurs while I am on the job.) I will never be in the same room with that smarmy Schumer character…or smarmy Mitch either. In fact, I will never speak directly to either through any medium…all communications with top Senate con-men will be done through my intern staff (composed fully of former college wrestlers).  I will insist on a plane to transport me back and forth from Texas every week and that plane must be bigger than the one Nancy used. (Yes, I’m insecure that way.) Unlike Nancy, I will insist on paying for the use of the plane and, in the interest of full transparency (and to assist the forthcoming impeachment), I will be putting that entire bill on Mr. Underhill’s credit card. (Want the number?)

All I can say at this point about my agenda is: I will go in under the presumption that I don’t like any of my future co-workers in the slightest and – if you think this last week has been “chaotic” and “embarrassing” –  you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. 

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